The 7 Different Types of House Interns

The Pack Mule

Come one, come all, and see this intern perform a balancing act that defies gravity itself. Four committee notebooks, three purses, two cups, and one plate of food, that’s nothing. Add a laptop, two cell phones, throw a lobbyist on your back, and then we’re talking.

 

The Wayward

I’m in the east building on the second floor, where are you? You’ll often find this particular type of intern wandering the halls of the House building, finding themselves locked into a stairwell, or futilely pressing their badge to the sensor outside the House lounge doors. But don’t worry, they’re never lost for long, unless it’s after 5pm, then they’re just stuck.

 

The Recluse

There’s a kitchen? This poor intern will never know the wonders of the north hallway; feel the rush of excitement as they hear the House bells chime, or understand the privilege of crouching between desks on the House Floor. No, this poor intern has been relegated to the dark, empty, and full-of-extra-walls halls of the House building. On the upside, we hear those rooms have cable.

 

The Crab

Do you suffer from back pain, achy knees, or rug burn? Then you might be a crab. Forced to scuttle across the merciless green carpet, as to not interfere with any Representative’s line of sight. This intern spends most of their time crouched, hunched, and whispering, lest the Green Coats leave their post and scold them with a stern grandfatherly glare. But don’t worry, that scoliosis should go away, eventually.

 

The Insatiable

Free Diet Coke? Taffy?  English muffins? Rep. Dee’s candy? Capitol Dining catered banquets? You name it; our insatiable intern will consume it. Never mind that little rule about taking gifts from lobbyists. You can’t report it, if you can’t see it, am I right? Speaking of, are you going to finish that caucus lunch?

 

The Gopher

Dry cleaning, check. Car wash, check. Shoe shine, check. Iron shirts, check. Cut the crust off, check. No task is too trivial for this intern. Each menial action is performed to perfection in that hope that some day, all this lint rolling will lead to a job.

 

The Saint

Before this intern was even hired, a pedestal was erected and the highest of expectations were placed on her shoulders. It’s rumored this intern endures all of the hardships mentioned above, all while maintaining the staunchest of liberal beliefs, and an ear able to hear the beck and call of her Representative from the farthest corner of the Capitol. There’s only one intern that rises to this occasion, and she belongs to Representative Seelig.

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